7 Tips on Saving Money

We all want to save money. That’s obvious. I mean, who doesn’t want to save money these days? Other than the U.S. Government, of course. But other than that, chances are you’d like to save a little dough.

Now, anyone could give you the usual money saving tips like, “Create a budget and stick with it” or “Turn the thermostat down in winter” or “Get your assault weapons from the back of Pedro’s van instead of the gun shop,” but those are so trite. I’m here to give you the real tips – ones that the average person generally doesn’t think of. So without further ado, here are Mike’s 7 Handy Money-Saving Tips.

1: Free Offers
Free offers are everywhere. Go ahead, try the free samples of day-old bread at the local bakery. At the drive-thru window, ask for a few dozen ketchup packets to go with your small fries, and boom – condiments for your next barbecue. Also, at businesses all over town you’ll see displays for free chocolate bars just sitting there in the waiting room. There’s even a sign that says, “Candy: $2.00” so that you’ll know how much the company is willing to spend on their customers’ happiness. They’d probably be insulted if you didn’t take a handful.

2: Pilferage
Hotels are a wonderful source of pilferage. It’s an open door to all the little bottles of shampoo and moisturizer you could ever want, as well as towels, bedspreads, showerheads, etc. But it doesn’t stop at hotels. Grazing your way through the supermarket’s produce section is not just fun, it’s health-conscious. And toilet paper can be found at any public restroom just begging to be unrolled and put in a pocket. Just keep your eyes open, and you’ll see opportunities everywhere!

3: The 30-day Policy
Here’s a handy tip that will allow you to have all the expensive electronic equipment you could ever want for free. Just buy anything you’d like at the local Behemoth Mart, enjoy its use for a month, then pack it back in the box and return it. Most of those stores have a 30-day return policy, so you can return items, get your credit card credited for the amount, then walk right back into the store to buy new stuff. You can keep doing this over and over again for years. It’s like a lease you never have to pay!

I recommend sticking with electronics, though. It’s much more difficult to return other used items like sporting goods, underwear, toilet brushes and such.

4: Use the Library
The pubic library isn’t just for geeks, losers and homeless people anymore. It’s also for money-savers. Why buy books and DVDs when you can borrow them for free? You can even make a library visit into an inexpensive family outing. There’s an area where you can leave your kids to read, play and catch contagious diseases. Then you can go off to a comfy chair to read the newspaper, or use the internet to chat for a few hours – and if some nerdy kid in glasses complains that he needs to research a school project, you just tell him to wait his turn!

5: Salvation Army
Sick of paying expensive dry cleaning bills? Well instead of taking those clothes to the cleaners, you just take them to the local Salvation Army. They clean all donated clothes before putting them out for the public, and then you can pick all of your clothes off the rack for a fraction of the cost of a cleaners. You may have to push aside Dora the local bag lady to get your things, but she’s probably too malnourished to put up much of a fight.

6: Eliminate Babies
This is a no-brainer. Babies are the biggest drain on a budget for any household that includes them, so I advise removing them immediately. Think about it, why would anyone keep something in their house that sucks money out of your wallet like a vacuum, generates no income, and could be sold for thousands of dollars? It’s craziness! You think that kid will grow up to take care of you in your old age? He’d be more likely to mooch off of you until he’s in his late 30’s. Which brings me to my final tip:

7: Mooch off your parents until you’re in your late 30’s.
It’ll serve them right for keeping you.

So take my advice and save save save!