Best Places for Hiding Money at Home

I am a bartender, and like me thousands of college students and cash filled professionals have sketchy roommates that we need to hide our cash from. Going to the bank everyday sucks, and trust is something I stopped believing in after my last relationship. So grab a beer, watch an episode of MacGyver, and get ready to stash your cash. Here are 8 of my favorite spots as well as some places to avoid:

1) Crap VHS cases.
Try to find the ones that snap shut, not the ones that slide out. No one even has a VCR anymore, so you don’t have to worry about people borrowing your copy of “Splash 2.” However, if you randomly start collecting stupid VHS tapes it might clue in your roommates that something is up. So. Get a bunch of em. Say you’re a collector. Buy a t-shirt that says “Bring back the 8-track.” To throw roommies off the scent you gotta live the lifestyle.

2) At the bottom of those huge POG carrying cases.
I can’t even imagine how many kilos of weed I stashed in these during high school. It’s super easy. Just get a few of these cylinders, buy some Mighty Duck Glam Rock POGS, put your cash in then cover it up with POGS. The best part about this one is that you don’t have to disassemble a model T to get your money, but it’s still pretty secret. And you have a bunch of POGS.

3) Behind a “Hang in There Poster” with that cute kitten.
Tape a sandwich baggie to the wall and keep cash in here. It’s so cute, no one will ever stare directly at it.

4) JNCO pants
Remember those HUGE raver pants with the 50 inch pant leg bottoms? Man those were sweet… Well, if you can find a pair at a thrift store, buy em because they have tons of hidden pockets in the in-seam, the belt line, pretty much all over the place. I guess it was for hiding “E” from the fuzz, but now you can benefit from the sketchy genius of multi-pocket pants. And you’ll have something to wear on Sundays.

5) Disco ball
Basically, a disco ball is nothing more than cardboard covered with hot glue and broken dreams. All you have to do is use a box cutter to slice along the edge of the mirrors. Cut three sides and leave a hinge. To get the ball to close you can make a clasp with velcro. It gives when you want and holds when you need it. Like a condom.
You’ll have the funkiest safe in the world.

6)Silk shirt pocket
No one wears silk shirts. Much like the JNCO plan, but simpler. It’s hidden in plain sight and has easy access.

7)In a safe
It’s a little obvious…but then again it’s in a FRIGGIN SAFE.

8) Healthfood cereal box
Pretty good spot, especially if you leave a fair bit of the cereal in it. Put the cash in the bottom. If your roommates are anything like mine a box of Kashi is the equivalent of a swiss bank account. When you need money, have a bowl and enjoy the special prize.

If none of my suggestions appealed to you, fine. However, make sure you avoid the places that everyone looks. Most notably:

-Under your mattress
-In a book
-In an old shoe or boot
-Anywhere you’ve seen in a movie (including vents)
-Anywhere your mom found you porn
-Anywhere you actually keep porn
-In something that could be mistaken for porn
-Basically, don’t hide your money with porn cuz you’ll lose everything you have at once
-In your underwear drawer (even if it’s hidden “mysteriously” in a balled up sock)
-In a jar labeled “Not Money”
-On the kitchen counter

Good luck with your cash stashing, and regardless of where you choose to hide crap, or how diligent your thieving rommates can be, make sure that you don’t make your money so hard to find that you forget about it. Yesterday I put on an old pair of hammer pants and found $16,000. My 401k is a suede fanny pack.