The Lighter Side of Income Taxes

As we return to school and settle back into our routines of sleeping, pooping, studying, sleeping while studying and pooping while sleeping, I speak for everyone when I say we finally have a chance to forget the drunken and adulterous mistakes of 2006.

When Jan. 1 rolled around, we suddenly had the motivation to take control of our lives in the extraordinary forms of vowing to be nicer, starting a no-carb diet, pledging to “cherish moments,” and other well-intentioned but immeasurable, and therefore, unattainable goals.

However, in the commotion of ringing in the New Year with Fergie and celebrating Christmas, which was, this year, conveniently only six days before New Year’s Eve, I know for a fact that you forgot about something.

Like many other mono-day holidays, this forgotten event occurs only once a year. It sneaks up on every American like a shark would sneak up on every American (if every American was in the water near a shark, sneaking up on him or her). I am, of course, referring to the dreaded April 14.

There’s little reason to worry, because thanks to my warning, you still have approximately three months before you forget to file your Form-1040. This year, I decided to be particularly diligent and filed taxes 13 months ago.

My advice is to not be fooled by the 1040. Its soft, light-bluish demeanor easily conceals its confusing nature. In addition to providing information such as your “First Name,” the 1040 cryptically requests “Domestic production activities deduction” and “Spouse’s Social Security number.” What if you don’t have a spouse? In order to avoid being audited, I recommend you include what you think the Social Security number of your potential spouse will be.

America is running into some financially rough times. Wars, Social Security and all-night congressional benders run the bill up. It is our moral duty to help our federal government – especially if we are college students.

By paying taxes, we have been foolishly giving the government more money to spend, and thus we are to blame for our government’s financial troubles. This year, when you’re filling out your 1040, report less than what you have actually earned. For those of you true Americans, don’t even fill out a 1040. The federal government will be so thrilled when it receives such blatant acts of patriotism, it may even send IRS agents to your home as a surprise.

Interestingly enough, there are always nut jobs who question the legality of the government’s actions by referring to such obscurities as “Supreme Court cases” and “the Constitution.” For example, the We the People Foundation asserts that the federal income tax is unconstitutional.

First, the organization claims that our Fourth Amendment rights are violated because we are forced to give the federal government private information, without a warrant, on our 1040’s (such as your name and your spouse’s Social Security number), and that information can be used against us in a court of law.

Second, there is also controversy surrounding whether or not Congress even passed a law requiring us to pay a federal income tax. Hollywood producer Aaron Russo’s film, “America: Freedom to Fascism,” details several court cases where U.S. citizens are accused of tax evasion. People such as Gaylon “Whitey” Harrell in Logan County, Ill. (case no. 1997CF89) avoid penalties or fines and are acquitted of all charges because the IRS fails to procure the legislation requiring Americans to pay a federal income tax. We the People Foundation, Aaron Russo and even Congressman Ron Paul, R-Texas, speculate the reason for these lack of convictions is because there is no law.

Third, Russo’s film explains that local property taxes pay for schools and gasoline taxes pay for highway construction, so what do our federal income taxes pay for? Russo claims that 100 percent of tax revenue collected goes to pay banks interest on our national debt. This negates the argument that we should pay the federal income tax if we expect certain services such as education, roads and all-night congressional benders.

Finally, the Federal Reserve is a private institution. This means Congress gave its constitutionally defined duties of coining and valuing money to a private institution with private interests, and those private interests are not always in line with America’s best interests.

So, as you look forward to forgetting and not accomplishing your goals for this year, and as you prepare for the daunting task of completing your 1040, keep the constitutionality of the federal income tax in your fuzzy thoughts. After all, we may never have a chance to seize control of our destiny again – at least until next year.