Cindy, a middle-school student, is given a homework assignment on simple politics. She was instructed to ask a parent which political party they identified with and why. Cindy is an inquisitive child and isn’t always satisfied with her father’s programmed answers. The more she asks the more ambiguous his answers become. Cindy will grow up confused and probably vote Republican.
Cindy: Daddy, I need help with my homework.
Daddy: Well, sure I’ll help. I have a Masters degree, a Bachelors, a PhD, and an SUV.
Cindy: OK, Which political party do you claim?
Daddy: There’s more than one?
Cindy: Yes Daddy. There are three political parties.
Daddy: What are those liberals teaching you? There is only the Grand Old Party-The Republicans. The others are just a bunch of idiots.
Cindy: And why do you vote Republican?
Daddy: God wants it that way.
Cindy: Daddy, what is a liberal?
Daddy: A liberal is an atheist commie that hates the flag.
Cindy: But why?
Daddy: Well, because they’re all idiots.
Cindy: We love the flag don’t we Daddy?
Daddy: Yes, it’s a part of our religion. That’s why we fly the biggest one in the neighborhood. People will know that we love God more.
Cindy: So God only loves people who love the flag?
Cindy: What is a commie? Is it the same as a socialist?
Daddy: Child! Don’t ever use a word like that in this house! And yes, they are the same.
Cindy: Are they bad?
Daddy: Yes! And they eat Republican children too.
Cindy: Daddy, is war good or bad?
Daddy: War is always good for us.
Daddy: Because the terrorists will kill us if we don’t kill them first.
Cindy: Didn’t God say not to kill.
Daddy: Yes but that means not to kill other Christians. It’s OK to kill the ones who worship another god.
Cindy: You mean there are other gods?
Daddy: No, there is only one and we want to keep it that way.
Cindy: Do you support the troops?
Daddy: Of course I do. We must stay the course. Four thousand are dead, we can’t stop now.
Cindy: Have you ever been in a war Daddy?
Daddy: No. Daddy supported the Vietnam War by joining the reserves.
Cindy: So you didn’t fight?
Daddy: Yes I fought for our country here at home.
Cindy: Who did you fight?
Daddy: I proudly fought those dirty hippies in Chicago in ’68, and those darn protesters in Kent State, and all those darky troublemakers down south in Selma.
Cindy: Daddy do we hate dark-skinned people?
Daddy: Oh, you mean minorities. No, no, no. We are not racists. Racists are dumb people who wear pointed white hats. We are just better than other people who don’t have the same heritage as us.
Cindy: But why?
Daddy: Because we were here first.
Cindy: Weren’t the Native Indians here first?
Daddy: Well yes, technically. But they were too stupid to know what they had. Besides, they would have only put casinos everywhere and we’d all have gambling problems galore.
Cindy: Do we hate homosexuals too, Daddy?
Daddy: No. God says to love them and forgive them. But keep them away from our children.
Cindy: Do we know any?
Cindy: What about Brother Fagoting, the church organist?
Daddy: Well, he dresses with style and flamboyance because he’s a musician.
Cindy: Why hasn’t he married?
Daddy: I guess he’s been waiting for that one special Christian girl to come along.
Cindy: Are we pro-life or pro-choice?
Daddy: Of course we are pro-life. Women aren’t as smart as men on issues like that. Pro-choice means pro-murder.
Cindy: Shouldn’t the woman have a say in what happens to their body?
Daddy: Absolutely not. That’s better left up to the men folks.
Cindy: We were discussing Ronald Ray-gun in class. Did you vote for him?
Daddy: Your d-, darn right I did. He was the messiah before Bush. Oh, and Honey, it’s Reagan not Ray-gun. He is responsible for destroying the U.S.S.R. and tearing down the Berlin Wall, and adding trillions to the National Deficit. He was a hero to our country. We must speak his name in reverence.
Cindy: What about the Drug War?
Daddy: What drug war?
Cindy: We read that since the beginning of the year, the government has spent eight million dollars on the Drug War.
Daddy: Is that all? We should spend more and build more jails and instate the death penalty for repeat offenders.
Cindy: But couldn’t that money be used to help poor people or sick people? My teacher said in one year the cost could reach one million.
Daddy: You see Honey, that means we’re winning!
Cindy: But didn’t the Drug War start in 1936? That’s a long time for a war not to be won.
Daddy: If we stay the course we will always win. Saint W said that.
Cindy: Is pot bad?
Daddy: Marijuana is Satan’s weed. It gets you hooked and infects you with loose morals. Then it leads to harder drugs like heroine, and LTD, and PVC.
Cindy: Isn’t that a car and a kind of plastic pipe?
Daddy: Yeah, you see. Those darn hippies will smoke anything.
Cindy: What about health-care?
Daddy: What about it?
Cindy: Lots of lower income families can’t afford health-care.
Daddy: So. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our health-care system. These bums need to get a job just like the homeless people and welfare recipients. It’s not up to us to pay for these lazy people. We can use that money for more bombs.
Cindy: How about Global Warming?
Daddy: There is no such thing. Another liberal lie.
Cindy: Do we believe in evolution?
Daddy: No. We did not come from monkeys.
Cindy: Apes. Monkeys have tails.
Daddy: No animals have evolved. They are exactly the same as when Noah brought them aboard the Ark.
Cindy: What is conservatism?
Daddy: Conservatives are patriots who worship our beloved flag. We
uphold traditional values and despise change. Open-minded people
bother me. Idiots.
Cindy: Will everybody become Republicans one day?
Daddy: Yes, that’s what we want. If we give the Democrats a hard enough time and we arrest enough of them, they will finally give up. Then we will truly be one nation under God. Let us pray to the flag.