Why Daddy is a Republican

“Now Puddin’ Pie, you know why yore Daddy is a Republican! I may not have told you, but this here Republican family goes back a long ways, yesiree! Why that ole Louisiana Plantation is still standing down there. My grand daddy and his friends used to sip on fresh squeezed lemonade that my grandma used to serve them good ole boys. They’d sit out there in the summer sun, with a little breeze passing by and talk politics…Republican politics, because that’s all that really matters anyway. Why, when they were settin’ there watching the slaves working the fields while they talked Republican progress; then they’d rest a spell, and then talk some more. Puddin’ Pie, that was hard work for those Republicans to keep those fields and plantations going, and for the womenfolk to make sure those slave gals got supper on the table and took care of all the children! When those slaves wouldn’t do what they were supposed to do, or if one of them ran away and wasn’t caught, why those Republicans would have to get all tired out when they had to go into town and get more slaves at one of those slave auctions. Hard work, I tell you; that is the backbone of why Daddy is a Republican! Daddy is a Republican today because of hard work like our ancestors put forth to make life easier for us.”

“If Daddy was not a Republican, he could not be a part of the Good Old Boy Network, and where would we be then? If we did not take the effort to get rid of all those programs that those Democrats keep voting for, why we would have to be just a one-car family! We probably would even have to give up the beach house in Florida! I tell you, I just do not know where those Democrats get off at with all this nonsense about feeding people without jobs and giving them a cot in a dorm in a homeless shelter when they get evicted. Republicans know that all they have to do is go out and get a job. That is what yore daddy did, back in the 1950’s. Why I went right on down to the automobile plant where they employed thousands of us right here in Detroit and got me a job and worked there for 25 years. I think them Democrats ought to take more pride in getting that 25 year pin! Whoever heard of us bailing out people who have lost their home due to foreclosure? Why, if the Democrats would just pay their mortgage on time, then they wouldn’t be behind in payments. Those guys ought to just man up; I just don’t see why they need any kind of help. They don’t really, you know; that’s just those Democrats again pushing for some kind of social services to help the poor, the lost, the sick, the lonely, the homeless and the hungry. Us Republicans don’t go for all that kind of crap, and you will understand, Puddin’ Pie when you cast yore first Republican vote.”

“Why, I even heard that those Democrats don’t talk about what their political views means regarding their service to the Good Lord when they go to church on Sunday morning. That’s why they’re going to Hell; they don’t serve the Lord right or else they’d be a Republican in the first place.”

“Yore Daddy is a Republican because we want the finer things in life and being a Republican is the way to get it. We keep voting against social services, mental health, health care, unions, school levies and any other taxes so we can keep our money where it belongs; and it belongs right here in my back pocket, Puddin’ Pie. That’s why Daddy is a Republican!”